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Sexual Attraction - Addiction or Intimacy? |
by:
Margaret Paul |
Sexual Attraction - Addiction or Intimacy?
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Megan askedfollowing questions in one of our phone
sessions: "Over and over, when I am really attracted toman
and I sleep with him fairly early inrelationship, I
discover that he is not good husband material. What am I
doing wrong? Am I just attracted towrong kind of men?"
This isfrequent question from my single women clients.
"Megan, many men know how to project sexual energy inway
that arouses women. These men define their worth by their
sexuality and by their ability to attract woman. They know
just how to sexually ignitewoman - it'senergy that
they are putting out that goes right into your genitals and
makes you think that something real and important is
happening. But they are operating fromsexual addiction
rather than from caring or intimacy."
"So what should I be doing when I feel that powerful sexual
attraction?"
"You need to be telling yourself that this feeling doesn't
mean anything – that it's justenergy that is being
projected onto you but has nothing to do with love,
intimacy, caring, or marriage. Real, long-lasting
relationships take time to evolve. If you feel sexual upon
first meeting someone, there isgood possibility that this
man just wantssexual encounter with you rather than
real relationship with you. My suggestion to you is to not
have sex early inrelationship, even if you are very
attracted."
"Well, when do you have sex?"
"When you feel emotionally intimate. When you trust each
other and really care about each other's wellbeing. When you
know thatfeelings are not just sexual, and that
sexuality is coming fromemotional intimacy rather than
fromsexual addiction. Why not wait until there is
commitment torelationship and to learning and growing
with each other? How often have you slept withman that
you were really attracted to and then hadrelationship
not work out?"
"More often than I am willing to admit. This is what keeps
happening. So are you saying that I should also go out with
men that I am not immediately attracted to?"
"Yes, if you like them. Often, sexual attraction grows as
you really get to knowperson. Many of my clients with
best relationships are people who were not immediately
attracted to each other. The attraction grew as they fell in
love with each other. Others, who were attracted
immediately, lost their attraction as they got to know
person.
"Many men can have sex and then just move on without any
inner turmoil. Yet many women feel connected toman when
they have sex with him and then feel awful when
relationship doesn't work out. It is unloving to yourself to
sleep withman early inrelationship and then run
risk of being dumped because all he wanted was sex.
"Another factor is that sex without emotional intimacy is
often disappointing for both people. When you have sex too
early inrelationship, it might not be emotionally or
physically satisfying. When sex is notexpression of
love, it often feels empty, and thenguy might decide
that you are notright person for him because there were
no fireworks. Yet if you had waited for love to develop, it
might have been wonderful. You really have nothing to lose
by waiting."
"But," replied Megan, "I always think thatman will not like
me if I do not have sex with him."
"Well, if you doesn't like you for not having sex with him,
what does this tell you about him?"
"I guess it tells me that he is not good husband material."
"Right! So you have nothing to lose by not having sex right
away."
"Okay, I see that now. I see that what I've been doing is
never going to lead to marriage. I am going to put sex on
back burner and pay more attention to caring and intimacy."
Megan completely changed her pattern with men and within
year she was engaged to be married.
About The Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. isbest-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator ofpowerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.
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Margaret Paul, Ph.D. isbest-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator ofpowerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available
Contact him at http://www.innerbonding.com |
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