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The Sex Trap, Balancing Hormones andHead |
by:
David Steele |
As I had my morning coffee,"Dear Abby" column caught my eye. A reader wrote in withdating dilemma and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that "Women use sex to get love, and men use love to get sex." This isgreat summation of"Sex Trap."
The Sex Trap is similar toLove Trap, where singles interpret good sex as love. But those who fall intoSex Trap go even farther, because for these singles, having sex carries immense meaning and consequences.
Singles fall intoSex Trap in one (or both) of two ways:
A. they believe sex isnecessary test of compatibility, (ifsex is good thenrelationship will be good as well)
B. more commonly, all consciousness goes outwindow, and one or both formerly level-headed singles consider themselvescommitted couple as soon as they have sex.
So, rather than looking at whether this other person might bematch on levels other than physical attraction — such as long-term requirements, needs, and wants — they are blind-sided bychemistry undercovers.
No doubt, it can be challenging to keep in touch with reality when all those hormones are running wild. Our body reacts to someone we are attracted to by producing hormones such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and testosterone (increases sexual desire), which makesopportunity to have sex with someone we are attracted to extremely hard to resist. Then, after orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts onhypothalamus to produce emotions), which makes us feel very close to and bonded with our sex partner.
These chemical reactions are involuntary and strong, leading to powerful feelings of attraction, excitement, love, closeness, and well-being.
But when problems arise, those who fall intoSex Trap often rationalize by thinking, "Well, we've got problems, butsex is great!" They most likely would not admit it, but they prioritize physical intimacy and regardrest as optional. Their main scouting tools are sexual attraction and physical compatibility.
Barry North,RCI coach who works primarily with gay men, says that many of his clients have fallen intoSex Trap.
"For gay men especially in metropolitan areas, sex is readily available, and that in itself istrap," North says. "In addition,culture, with its emphasis on physical appearance, encourages sexual activity. Many gay men want to find out frombeginning ifpotential partner is going to be sexually compatible. Why waste your time ifsex is not going to be good?"
Nonetheless, North adds, "I suspect this is'guy' thing rather than'gay' thing."
I do want to point out that chemistry is important. Yet, chemistry isgiven that we can't control inrelationship; it is either there or not there, and it must be there forpartnership to work. If not there, we can't "make" chemistry happen, though sometimes it can grow over time.
Singles who pursuerelationship based upon sexual chemistry risk relationship failure whenhormone-induced intoxication wears off and reality hits.
To avoidSex Trap, you must balance your heart (and hormones) with your head. This means combining chemistry with common sense. While good sex is important forsustainable relationship, you need to make your partner choices by paying full attention to your vision, values, goals and requirements — while feeling all those exciting sparks!
About The Author:
David Steele, MA, isfounder ofRelationship Coaching Institute andpioneer in working with singles. He has helped thousands of singles and couples get what they want from relationships. His new book, Conscious Dating; FindingLove of Your Life in Today’s World, readers precisely how to get what they want in their own life. To learn more, visit http://www.consciousdating.com/
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